lost somewhere in the earth

:)

2005-08-28T02:51:00.000-07:00

I am one man-I am myself..I am a child gazing at own feet and little gutters rinsed by the stream in a gravel..It's a snail! It's a leaf! I admire the snail..I admire the leaf...Trivial life becomes silent..I dry flowers among pages of Shakespeare's sonnets.Derisive ghosts which used to embrace me go back home.We are not so little complicated though love is simple.Sitting in deep armchairs staring at the flames we get impression of architectural solidity.If only life and thoughts could gain this constancy..Someone is grasping the poker..damaging appearance of solidity..everything is transforming-youth and love.
There are shops and houses in the background grey towers of local church ,glass shelves on front ..full of sweet buns and ham sandwiches..Everything is turning misty..foggy by steaming tea kettle.People..Ia m displayed in front of their sights&they in front of mine..they have soft faces with moving skin..deft like monkeys.I am aware of despair,cruelity and cofusion.It is so strange to go through the crowd and see the world via eyes stinging coz of tears.Circle has no fractures..the harmony is full..ther eis common spring of existence.The feeling of being aimless penetrates us making us old on early youth..crowds of people rush in search of civilization like flocks of birds wandering..looking for summer.I still wake up and fall asleep all over again..I see jug for tea buffet full of pale yellow sandwiches men in suits next to the bar..and far behind them eternity..all on the background of bird wings..dense feathers of the past.I am always the youngest..the most trustful and gullible..You are safely covered and I am naked.. He will forget about me..won't response to my letters..I will be sending poems and getting postcards in return..But for this I love him...
I will offer meeting near the cross.I will be waiting and he won't come..But for this I love him..
Absent minded..almost utterly unconscious will sail awau from my life..and I will enter others' one...it is just the beginning youthful risky venture..There is a cart looming down becoming bigger and bigger..the day is waking up..lush colours are coming back but who am I ? me supported over the gate looking at the dog running in a circle..maybe more than a woman I am just a light falling on the gate..or maybe I am seasons of the year..january may november..mud fog the dawn..Everything derivated from me is wild Now I am hungry thinking of bread with butter..white plates in sunny room..flowers among jam jars.We are silent..
We are fulfilled with a bliss,gold flowing in the blood..heart beating in a calm trance..We mistook something coz of fear...changed somehting coz of vanity..trying to emphasize differences all led by the feeling of separation.It's hatred..it's love..it's black rapid stream..which brings headache when we look at it..Ia m going to fill the emptiness..prolong nights and fulfill them with dreams...Death is interweaved with violets.our bodies are firm..cool..Winter &summer days in front of us..we have just started this wha tis on the store.Ther eis margin of indifference in me..curiosity in my eyes....

about me with a wink

2005-05-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

...here grass waves on the meadows..People rush somewhere along the street in loudless manner.City roads crossed with asphalt paths.....black cat in the bushes scared birds wen the cook was taking rubbish out Their humming is full of fear becasue of pain and full of happiness that can be used only at moment's notice.At home doors shut themselves one by one pushed by the blast of cool summer wind flying through empty corridors.There is old picture swinging on the wall and red rose petal falling down from the vase on the table.Country man's cart is leaving straw on the hedges..And I see all of these each time i pass sthe mirror on the landing .I have this little one mirror on the stairs..cutting our heads;)I will give image to everyhting I dislike and bury it deeply underground.I see white fields of daisies and dresses and tennis courts crossed with white lines.Flowers shake their heads behind the window..I see wild birds...and from my wild heart impulses flow..wilderthan the wildest birds are.Flowers are shaking..birds singing and ther eis a monster waking along the seaside..in gold chains..One night..there was strong wind and sudden thunder...there wasa star sailing through the clouds and I said to her : ''Absorb me please''
Winds and storms coloured one month.and puddle appeared on our courtyard....she was laying..terrible cadaverously-grey puddle and I was holding a message in envelope...Came up to the puddle.and couldn't overcome the obstacle.I lost my own identity.''We are nothing''I said and I fell down.I was blown off like a feather and liften through tunnels.Then carefully stepped and supported by red bricked wall I pushed myself back into the body with difficulty.Disembodied and free Ia m flying over the fields seeing..man fishing.tower...country lane and all is unreal and foggy.Ther eis no place in my mind for hatred or grudge ..Ia m just ephemeral pedestrian whose mind has been overpowered by dreams and garden noises.Early morning..when the flower's petals are swimming through unmeasured depths and birds are singing..I sprinkle myself with bright waters of my childhood.It is hard not to cry when we sing ..when we call ourselves little children..and ask God for care when we sleep..when we are sad we shiver with fear ..it is pleasant to sing together holding each other's hands...same time being afraid of so many things .We run up upstairs like pony..one bu one in order to take place in a queue to bathroom..bouncing on our white hard legs..screaming ..NOW IT IS MY TURN!!!! no ..now me going!!!!lol I am sitting on the path and swinging petals in the brownish bowl.All my ships are white.I don't wanna red petals of mallow or geranium.I wish to have just white which float on the water when i tilt the bowl.I have now already all fleet sailing from one river bank to the other.I am throwing there a twig-will be like a raft for drawning man.I am throwing a pebble to see some bubbles rising from the depth of the sea.I have the moment only for myself..moment of freedom..I take all fallen petals and let them float all on the water.I pour down water drops on some...and rght there I wil place lighthouse.Then Ia m swinging the bowl..so that ships may rip the waves.Some will sink...Some will crash into the rocks..one ship is sailing alone-my ship.It sails into fozen cave..there is sea-bear roaring and green chains of stalactites are swinging.
We are laying under the black currant bushes..Each blow of wind covers our body from toes to heads..My hand is like the skin of a snake..my knees are like pink islands soaked in the water..your face is behind the apple tree net.There are black wings of leaves above us..You have a twin in the hair..You have a green caterpillar on your neck...Snail's home is visible in the grass like a dome ..Bird is diving his beak in the soft bodyof a worm..Now we are safe..we can get straight again...stretch out our arms under this huge dome of the forest...I can not hear anyhting apart from the sound of wild dove flying in the air .over the beech on his wooden wings.Now you are escaping again..going up like baloon's string...
I am shaping balls from bread and call them people...Wherever we go things are changing under the glance of our sight..byt when we leave it al behind ..aren't are same again?Ther eis some kind of mystery that surrounds peoplewhen they are moving away from us.Ia m taking lemon sponge and soak it in the water..it became chocolat eincolour Holding it high and squeezing in my palm.water is pouring down through the gutter of my spine.My body cold..wet and shining...wrapped up in warm towels...When I dry my back ..the roughness of the towel makes the blood around the ribs purr.
I stretch out my toes till I can touch the rods on the other side of my bed...touching them I make sure about constant staff existing next to us.Finally my thoughts may pour out fro m my mind..free from upsetting collisions I am sailing alone under the white rocks.
Not touched with any oar..the lake of my mind is waving mildly and after a moment is diving into oil sleepiness.
Someone has raised hand up to his neck...due to such unexpected actions..human beings fall in eternal love.
Each evening i tear out the card from calendar..smash it is my fist..this way I take vengeance oh the image of passing school day.
Blood that crushes my ribs must be light-red and foamed.I feel this pinching in my feet..Behind my eyes everyhting is dancing...net..grass...faces..more convulsively like butterflies...and trees seem to be jumping up and down.There is nothing constant..nothing moving in the universe..Everything is waving and going round..Everything is velocity and victory but when I am laying on this hard ground I start to feel a kind of need...that someone will come here and find me ..someone attracted by anonymous impulse inside of me,,someone who can not live far away without me..then we will move to some kind of solitary place and talk together by the tongue of eyes.Now the flush ..the rise is decreasing and trees comes down back ..on the earth...and I may go for tea;) I am dreaming of fireplace and fire shelter and closeness..and I am dreaming of night to come .''people who are upset are just sunsets-lovers''....At night Ia m a friend of Wergiliusz and Platon.
These were handicaped days just like moths with burnt wings unable to fly.....But through all these summers and winters somehting arose inside of me..in houses.staircases....I do not wanna all thes epeople staring at me with admiration when Ia m leaving..I wish to give...and have something back and I wish my solitude in where I may cherish all my precious memories.I flutter like pyjama on the wind even while my teeth are crushing sandwich with butter and I'm drinking sweet milk.Then I will be back ...I will be coming back home along the trambling avenues under the domes of hazels..Passing old lady who is pushing baby's pram filled with dry twigs...and i wil be passing a shepard..but we will not say even a word just have an exchange of smile.I will go back and see curved leaves of lettuce sprinkled with dew drops..and blind house..with covered windows.And I will be back in my old same room .open the wardrobe and touch all staff...sea shells..and postcards with all memories preserved ;bewitched belongings. I will feed the pigeons and squirrel and I will go to the shelter and comb the spaniel.The introduction has taken its place.and the world has been performed..I will be back home soon.
I am now and here...with my elbow supported on the window-sill..ther eis a cat sleeping in a bucket ..2 men and 3 women..we are getting closer and run away with each second.,,running through the fields of golden wheat.This life...life has appeared fro m the sea l..life holding long dark fringe..we are attached to that like bodies to wild horses.Someone is getting on a train...I do not believe in isolation..I try to get to know new one in the department but instinctively his presence is annoying me.We are not separeted creatures.I wish to increase my collection of precious observations concerning the nature of human behaviour.I fulfill my mind and thoughts with all Ia m surrounded with.Our loneliness wears the marks of fractures...
Human voice can be so DISARMING...I need a kind of concrete in everything..only this way I may getin touvh with the world..the best things are createdin loneliness..theyneed final freezing...it can not happen in affectionate soluble words...Necessity is resting in my mind freely..like a button or old coin...
Mil old man is picking up old tickets..someone talks about the nature of human destiny..someone lost the ticket..standing on the platform is waving his hands ...the train went without him..
When Ia m leaving the room where people talk...I hear only my steps.I see the moon going up in all his indifference and majesty..people say Ia m elusive...they do not know they should get used to changes and huard all entry and exits..to their life..Ther eare here some people that make good impression on me..I call them ''creatures who know how to achieve balance in the middle of the river'' ( and immediately in my imagination I see fishes with their mouth in one direction and and opposite current of the river)We are all like fish in the middle of the river.When I enter the room..switch on the light..I feel Ia m one of these full of fantasy impudent..able to reflection human..and I grab the fountain pen and write .write a letter ..that I have to start all the time again and again from the beginning...but still with same eagerness and pleasure.What I need is the speed...sentences coming one by one.like avalanche . I need Byron to dive into perfect mood.

It was perfect day..Beats that gathered under the dome of my soul are colourful and perfectly round...I like glimpsing through other people's arms...all the time somehting new jumps into my head.Nothing should be named ..naming..we change it unconsciously..let everyhtingbe soaked in a delight and joy..this beauty..this sea shore ..this me..I tis hot now...ships are sailing through red ..through green..and in the backgroud there is a bell audible...but not for death..There are bells bringing life..leaf is falling down from happiness..Ach...I AM IN LOVE WITH LIFE.....And I will be home soon

Knock on the sky and listen to the sound.

2005-03-31T07:02:00.000-08:00

... again you search for what had gone wrong, realising only after too long that it was not your fault. It was nobody's fault actually. Sometimes, feelings are gone. You finally are able to put the past behind you and forget, but sudden flashbacks and chanced-meetings reignite the dead flames and you wonder and you worry. Your heart is willing but your mind says no.
And you follow your heart...

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revalations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

Your heart has wings:fly!!!!!

2005-02-22T07:51:00.000-08:00

It is 22nd of February (tuesday) and I am sitting at home in warmth with cup of tea in my hand..Yeah epidemy of flew is spreading here fast.Yesterday my mum took my younger brother to doctor but he wasn't examined as there were 58 children waiting to be examined..so mum went there again today.The sentence was : flu....2 weeks at home.:( (it means computer will be occupied more than before).As my brother is same addicted as me .My brother likes pretending he is ill not to go to school ,once he put termometer on the heater then showed my mum and she believed he has fever...Smart beast ha?I didn't go to school yesterday and later called to my friend how was there as we were to hand in business plan for Business studies( me and business hahahaaa I must ask someone for help)anyway she said that I could come becasue even teachers got ill and school is almost empty and safe ground there were only 10 class mates from 34 yesterday.And all my best mates are in beds as I gave them flu as a gift sorry to say...I am innocent....
I got video casette from this school formal party and I watched it safely at home -everything was fine and working.Next day my friend came to me and asked f she could lend mine becasue her is not working properly( actually it was not her,Kasia didn't buy cassette and just borrowed from another class mate -from Asia and it appeared that Asia's cassette had no voice since the middle of entering formal dance),(just then when I opened the door for kasia I was in sleeveless blouse and wind with snow examined my body properly so I got sneezing)So kasia was very afraid that she did something wrong ,that her video damaged voice on Asia'a cassette.I calmed her down .I told her not to worry becasue also one other friend as I heared has cassette without voice.Kasia was calmer and asked if she could borrow mine to watch it properly with voice..Iagreed...there was nothing to loose.next day kasia gave it back to me saying just thanx ,then karolina (girl who was not taking part in the party ) borrowed it to watch at home...Late evening I pick up the receiver and hear :''Oh my God ,Zosia I really don't know what 's the matter,there is no voice on the cassette since middle of dance formal one''.I was in shock.I told Karolina not to worry.Next day Karolina visited me at home (then I gave her flu probably)and we together checked the cassette-there was no voice.I immediately called to kasia but she of course went somewhere with her boyfriend and parents don't know when she will be back.Few days later I was visiting my ill friend (with whom we were coughing together at school..sharing our flu with smiles lol)and she (Asia) said that Kasia gave her back her casette and not checking if it is hers she went to the man who was recording cassettes and replaced it for working one...Guess what!!!!!!! Kasia Gave Asia my cassette which was fine and I got wrong Asia's one.I called to operating man and he said he will come to school soon and give me proper one back....but right now I am not at school...zabardast.On 11th february I was having my birthday but as I gave quite big party on 18 th year I decidednot to organize anything...of course my friends said they will come even if I don't organize it....how cute of them lol:)
Unfortunately everyone was to come on different day...so weekend was messy ( I was hoping they will come all together).On friday came just one friend ...I made cake(mmmmmmmmmmm) bought good wine and pizza.I got sms from other friend that he can't come as he is after painting his grandma's room...grrr...I sent him sms....come dirty and exhausted but today....So on friday I greeted 2 friends and of course there were my siblings too.Unfortunately they seemed to forget about time as it was getting lateee.....so I didn't sleep well.....actually I had to say eventually that I am gonna have a bath...They went.Next day Karolina ( she broke her nose coming back school few days before) came to give me back some notebooks...Gave me late wishes and I invited her upstairs as there was some cake left...,I made also cappucino.We sat down started to talk when we heared door bell....It was Asia with her friend Łukasz(they both looked together like a couple or siblings anyway having great relation with each other)....Karolina was in the other room then and when she heared who came she asked me to hide her somewhere...she was begging me....lol actually I understand her despair becasue she had still bandage (plaster) on her broken nose,but I told her not to worry...beyong friends....so we were sitting together in my sister's big room when Marta ( my neighbour and friend I know since early childhood ).I must admit it was fantstic evening as we were talking on various topics....there was no dancing,no movie but just gossiping,laughing and eating...Mum made in a hurry one little birthday cake and we had some ice cream....and champagne.Next day I found val;entine's card from Lukasz.....I was surprised ,,,,how can someone leave you card He had never seen me before...(or maybe in class photo).Next day also my father called to me apologising that he forgot....I got used to that.On his birthday ( as he was born on 16th) I also wished him with delay...but not deliberately.On 14th february...Valentine's day...( I hate this day)love ,love all around...so much love tat I want to vomit...;)
I got 2roses ,few cards,few sms and too much chocolate...So even lonely heart can be sweettttt lol.
Few days later Łukasz (Asia's friend who is in love with her but she loves someone else) visited me with his friend Maciek.Maciek saw I have virus in computer and offered he will format the disc...I agreed..as his main subject at school is computer studies...so I thought it is safe...lol well I was wrong....after his formating computer was not working at all.....and Suddenly my grandpa came into my room schouting with question why I am not learning as it is not weekend..We were all very confused...LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL....I decided never invite anyone during a week...(although I didn't invite them that time).On saturday my friend came and we were together frying french fries and giggling...it was great...mmm....and so unhealthy...lol

I love such evenings....

2005-02-05T03:47:00.000-08:00

My school formal party is over and I think of it as very well organized.Although I was not so lucky because my friend from other school invited me for his party too.I agreed why not?but just one week before my school party he informed me that his party is postponed and it will take place just the day before my own .grrrr.....zabardast.I had to go0 to hairdreser twice but dress was same.At the first party I had really great time..band was great and food delicious...it was great until my friend vomitted on my shoes. so I had to take him under my arm and walk to bathroom..but it was not worst...after time I noticed I have no bag...gr..I started to look for it everywhere..in despair as all my documents ,mobile and camera ws there.Then my friend came to me and that he hid it and will give me back if I will kiss him lolI was mad at him ,of course I denied and told him if he won't give t back I will go home by taxi.he gave it back duly and started to apologise.gr.....and next day my own school party was much calmer altho ugh hall was little and too much crowd there and there was les food than previous evening.Unfortunately my legs or actually feet gave up and I had to take shoes off ,I had highhills and after dancing a lot one evening before I couldn't stand that pain..blisters as usual.Just next day my winter holidays started..and our computer failed...I couldn't imagine holidays without internet so I went to cafe few times and in the end of frredom I visited my father as he invited us but we ( I mean me and my brother ) decided to spend there just one evening.Temperature outside was terrible about 8 degrees below 0 so I am happy I didn't freezed on the way.I told father about computer and he said there is one old computer standing outside inthe snow but very old and if we wish we may take it.It was very useful although hard disc space is only 900 Mb yahoo is working and other programme.I met also my half-brothers.generally it was quite nice. I looked into my father's eyes and asked if he is happy...he answered he was at the beginning.Yesterday we organize at my friend's home watching evening movie for 3 people :)At first we planned to go to the cinema.Maybe 2 weeks ago I went there as it was new opened cinema ,I went for Bridgitte Jones second part..comedy.Till the beginning of the movie I was not sure if I am in proper room .and these terrible ...advertisements...they lasted 20 minutes.grrrr.....at momemts I thought that maybe we mistook the rooms and found ourselves in a room for watching adverts lol.Finally it started and I really couldn't stop laughing ..it was so funny.Main actres Rene Zellwager had to put on weight a lot for the role...well probably she was wel l paid as well for that.I thought yesterday we will go also to this cinema (as I have free ticket :)but friends wanted to save some money so we got same movie on Cd and watched at home.Of course Zosia was late about 15 minutes because of unexpected visit of my zabardast uncle with whom I had to stay and talk.When I got out of the bus I saw one of my friend ,with her I was to meet earlier at the bus stop,she was waiting for me because forgot the way to our target.First we all went (3 girls). to the near shop and buy 2 big pizzas and mega PEPSi...we spent them longer than suposed couldn't decide if to take pizza or french fries...PIzza won .The movie title was ''Curse'' (in some translations ''the grudge'')...horror movie...we were only at home with her black mysterious cat with big green eyes... After taking pizza out of the oven we switched off the light and started to watch.Bbrrr...t was really thrilling.. and we were joking we will stay for night at her house because we are afraid of going home lol. Watching horror also can be funny...taking into account that we laugh when we are afraid.....and when one person starts to shout we all do or run away...:)After one moment I jumped and sat next to me best friend who squeezed my hand lol and we were together shivering with fear...Imagine there was in the movie same black cat as my friend's one so .when her cat suddenly jumped on my knees ....brrrr...
We ate all pizzas...mmm....and drunk all pepsi...then we were watching photos ..and joking .I love such evenings ,after them each depression goes away..on the way home we were holding together...it was dark when we were taking the bus.....even when movie had thrilling climate it was many years ago when I stopped being afraid of horrors...I just say to myself it is fairy tale and that's all.Yesterday I slept like dead...

say bye to old one ...time to cheerish time to be ....just one step ahead...'.

2005-01-04T06:19:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone ...I know ,I know whatyou are thinking...''she doesn;t like us '' she stopped posting...''no no nothing like that.....I just didn't manage to deceive the time and life...actually I hardly ever do as I am really bad actress....so I prefer to take life as it is.Starting from 22nd december -the day of my classs Eve meal at school....So I have to say it was quite nice.I dyed my hair (but just with colour shampoo which lasts for about 8 washings)...my hair was to be chestnut coloured but instead I saw in a mirror something like strenghtened ginger ...Well at first I was schocked but then I got used to it.Now it is almost gone.before going out I decided to take a tie....As there is uncle ,grandpa and brother at home I thought on of them may know how to link the tie....Whereas it appeared to be my wish Because they couldn't do that. So finally my grandpa helped me with his shaking hands ..I was a bit late but imagine teacher was more late and camera man was waiting outside.Actually everyone was to come at 8 but as usual we overslept a bit ;) means till 9 nothing was prepared yet.Finally we layed the tables ,lit up the christmas tree...and gathered all together..Unfortunately I sat (accidentally) next to the teacher....I wanted to change the place when I got to know that but it was too late as she was just coming towards me and it would be very unpolite from my side.At times it was quite artificial: teacher started to say her speech greeting one (which seemed to be well prepared before-nothing surprising ,she says same each year ) and she was just to sit down when the camera man asked her to repeat because he didn't launch camera yet.So teacher dully repeated her part..Then one of my class mate read part of a Bible aloud ( as it is christian tradition but not everyone respects it)...surprisingly instead of reading about Jesus Birth he read something totally not associated with the topic.There was heared shy laughter around the class....lol.Everyone was very elegant boys in ties and suits and girls very smart...We started to wish each other sharing the ''opłatek''.There were 34 people to share with so imagine ..it took some time.I was first person to share with the teacher as I was sitting just next to her.Actually everyone gets same wishing so Everyone seems to be bored with that...and the worst is off course kissing. When you end your wishes you must give a hug or kiss 3 times each person...grrrrrr....hahahaha what makes all the girls laugh is one boy in our class...You know each time he was saying anything to the girls he was looking at the breast not into eyes as is proper..We all felt stupid about it but it was possibl;e to pass it,,we just didn't give him much time for his observations lol. .In the background there were carols recorded from radio but we also had to sing one carol ourselves in front of the camera man.....lol but when he was gone boys started to play own Cds with music like dance and techno...Suddenly priest came into the class...''Oh what a nice carol...strange eve you have'' ...teacher went red and replied: oh .well....it is very modern christmas eve '':):):):)He just came with own ''Opłatek '' and everyone must have taken a piece .As usual teache r asked me stupid things like : '' Why Karolina ,Kasia and Ania didn't come ? maybe they have some emotional problems?''(these are my friends) I said they just don't feel this class...There were some nice dishes ...not so much as on real family eve but everything was also delicious.Of course my teacher sitting next to me which is always on a diet for the whole life lol was just tasting and putting away...So we were all just eating talking ...some were sending sms,some smoking cigarettes in the bathroom,also mates from other class came to wish us happy christmas..Some of us left earlier not to help with the cleaning (smart beasts lol ) ,I was till the end ..Class mates were doing some arrangements concerning going out for beer to town together...but I just prefered to go home ,happy because of free days ahead of me.Being home we decorated the christmas tree ,taking off some cobwebs ;)..cleaned around and cheerish freedom...(which was to end soon).Of course school gave us lots of homework for this time thinking we have nothing better to do...!!!??? how wrong it is . It is said it is free time but there is always something to do and in christmas there is cooking ,family greeting ,family wisiting and ....home chatting ..lol So I was to prepare readings for my oral exams in April but I even didn't start it yet..Yeah shame me.The 24th december was full of glory and warm atmosphere.In the morning when shops were still opened I went shopping to buy some little gifts for my 5 family members...As I realise all they like is their mobiles I bought mobile clothing for sister,standing figure for mobile for brother and uncle ( in woman shapes)lol especially uncle was delighted;) mum got from me some cosmetics and grandpa thick winter socks.In town everyone was so in a hurry ...running around with packed gifts ..in haste not to miss the bus...I also bought one gift for my best friend here : figure of angel made of salt mass to hang somewhere ,it was girl angel with long curly white hair and in blue dress holding a book with words: IT IS GREAT YOU ARE HERE FRIEND! Christmas eve supper was delicious but as usual too much of it...There was of course main dish :carp which was reason of argument in the morning ....-who is gonna to kill that poor fish? For years it was cruel work of my grandpa but now he is tooo weak and forgets everything so My brother was very happy to do so.When he is doing this terrible murdery oo the fish I omit him with big step.And everywhere is the smell of fish...Yuk!!!On 24th we are not eating meat,we are fasting preparing for huge amount of food in the evening so dinner in my home that day consists usually of hering water with potatoes and onion.I hate it too...I remeber when on 23th dec. I started to eat some chicken when my mum said : Zosia...don't eat it it is 2 minutes after midnight so fasting is started lol'' hehe...But you know I never count the day started till I go to bed and wake up .Of course even in christmas time my sister was fussing about the fod and I was so fed up with it.Sometimes she really exaggerates,This year our supper was late at 9 in the evening,then we were overpacking gifts .(I got some cosmetics ,teddy bear and underwear ) then at midnight people go to church for so called ''pasterka'' where we sing carols .I usually don't go for it as it is so late and having in mind each time when I fell asleep in the church I think it has no sense.But I went conceived by my driving me crazy sister.When we were on the road heared my uncle calling us from window (he hateschurxh ,priest and everything connected....,sometimes I think he likes christmas only because of fish lol) : ''hey bigots come back ...don't dare go to church '' lol at first we burst out laughing but we were angry with him as some neighbours were also coming...Imagine....Gathering in the church starts always in the darkness ,only there is light coming from big christmas trees standing close to the altar...This time each christmas tree was very pink!!!In the end we were to wish to someone ,,unfortunately there were a lot of my acquaintances ...so there was some work lol. I was sitting next to my sister..I told her : Beata move a bit ,there is free place behind you '' -what for ? she asked._just so ,I am waiting for Keanu Reeves lol I I joked.Maybe 2 minutes after 70 year old man sat next to me .hehe ''See my Keanu -Matrix just came ..''There are some traditions also in christmas eve time ,for exmple boys hang off gates and then we have to look for it ( very wise lol) and there is a belief this night animals talk human voice.You know I used to believe this staff and as a child I always went to my dog to ask him how does he feel..lol but I was very disappointed as he never ever given to me even a word.;)yeah sometraditions are so funny...Two another days were just so ...spent with family and friends wandering somewhere and doing actually nothing benefitial.After sunday time in church my mum and sister went to cemetary but I prefered to leave earlier and go near the river.Mum was a bit angry with me...but it passed fast.I mean her bad mood.Then in the afternoon they went to monastery -there was ceremony called "Holy family..associated with Jesus parents .Well ..I didn't go there with them too.
I thought time in church is enough...I am not saint ..lol. I was laughing my sister will become angel soon.
My dog got better those days although I think he sees just some shadows,anyway he became very familiar with armchair in my room and dog became more like cat as he sleeps all day on the armchair and at night sleeps sharply.Bobo put very much on weight since it got better. so he is better bodyguard now :) On 31st of december -preparations for new year 's party.I was just to leave when phone rang -it was my father.He was inviting me for winter holidays as now he has more room to share and just wanted to wish me happy new year.Yeah I told him same....then I realised It is my grandpa's name day after midnight so I have to wish him ,unfortunately he was in toillet...I was waiting quite long till he come out...wish him and went out with champagne.I dropped for my friend who was to do cake and together we went happily for the place. In a half of way (exactly where taxis are having rest ) I was just telling my friend I took a camera to take some pictures when my sister called on my mobile informing me I left camera downstairs.grrrrrr......we came back for it .Being at 9 in the evening at the party we were greeted by the rest of acquaintances although It was cake which was greeted more than we.lol I was keeping close to my friend as there was my ex-boyfriend there.I am avoiding him ,he is past for me ,it is over but he seems to be still jeallous and treats me like his possession.grrrrrr.....At midnight we were al at the balcony wishing each other happy new year...actually before there was final counting down...10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2.....when people from opposite flat balcony screamed : hey you have wrong clock it is still 4 minutes left.:0 hehe watever...according to our clock it is now.
I got little dizziness and went outside for a moment,leaving my mobile on the table ( big mistake -never do that again ).When I came back I saw that boy holding my mobile in a hand and reading sms .( how could he !!!???????)I asked him "'what are you doing ? give it to me"' Imagine next day I got some messages from my on line friends that they got very abusive sms from my mobile .!!!!!!!!! I was shocked .How that boy could do this ?he has no right.I was so angry that I sent this abusive sms to him in same form as he sent to my friends.He must have been very surprised as he had no idea I will get to know w about his stupid behaviour.There was also mmmmmm pizza...and all was fine apart from that accident with mobile.
I got home at 7 in the morning....so tired after dancing a lot that I just brushed my teeth and washed face and jumped into bed sleeping till 12....I had to wake up soon as it was my grandpa's name day and family was supposed to come.Mum again prepared lots of food and they were all sitting and watching tv and talking about politics...and minor things...I took some pictures these days ,tomorrow film will be developed...So we are in new year ....let it will be better..I hope .Although as I know from my own experience I promise a lot of things each year and it is never fulfilled or maybe just partly....Let's say it is given in testimony to another year....Now I am waiting for next christmas Eve .....and beet soup with mushroom pies..mmmmmm......-it is only once in a year...

come back....... ''Lessie''

2004-12-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

Everything was so great till one day.....I don't rember exactly when my dog called ''Bobo''came home with sneezing and something like a cough...We thought ........funny Bobo has a cold....but few days later he came back in terrible state...:he couldn't open his eyes and was hardly walking.We took him to the vet .She prescribed him some antibiotics and eye drops.She warned us before one illness which name I don'tr know how to use in english.At first he looked terrible but medicines seemed to help him.# days ago when I was coming back home my little friend greeted me bouncing and barking happily....That night he vomitted and next morning he was strangely stiff and serious.Then we noticed he is too serious and has nervous ticks.Another vist to proved previous thoughts about that illness.Unfortunately his case is one of the worst in which death rate is 95 %.
Yesterday I was downloading music when my sister and mum came to me and sister was crying that it is very bad with Bobo.He became very aggressive and bite my mum...fortunately she was in a gloves then,what is more my brother wanted to stroke him and dog started to bark at everyone.So when I came out of the room I saw my brother stabnding near the wall and in front of him my dog....with saliva coming out of his mouth,his eyes were shining and big as animals have during the night......Robert couldn't make even a step otherwise dog would bite him.At first it looked funny........I thought great Bobo terrorised the house...but then we all thought how to let Robert go away.....so we came up to a point .......and throw a blanket at our dog ....then Robert run towards us.We called for vet is she could c0ome and give him a kind of tranquilisersbut she couldn't ,her husband said she will be home next day at 10 a.m..Bobo wasn't bad then ,the problem is that illness attacked nervous system,,,,,,,,,,and poor lost his sight and smell so he was afraid of every one and even my mum's hand was like a shadow to him.
We left him for all night under the blanket.......actually it is his favourite blanket under which he used to sleep so he became calm.Next day in the morning I woke up and heared his gasping.....he had problems with breathing.So I decided to uncover him.First my brother took long fishing rot and from upper level was trying to take the blanket off ............but Ithought Bobo must be so weak now that he is vulnerable.I came to him and uncover......at first I was afraid of his sight.........I thought that if he is gonna to die it is better to remember him as a happy bouncing dogy but what to do ....I took the blanket off......he was laying and staring deadly at one point.His eyes were better but still blind.I tried to touch him ...he became very sensitive for touch.But I managed to stroke his head and scratch him a bit behind th ear.He seemed to like it and made some movements by ears.But when my brother came he became again aggressive as if we were stranger to him.He didn't want to eat or even drink....even a . sausage.I started to talk to him and singing but I had tears in my eyes....I became very attached to this dog.......It is terrible feeling to know he is laying and daying and I am useless at that point..He brought back memory of previous dog which also dead.
We called for vet and imagine she said : (it was 10 a.m) I am cleaning the window now .....I can come and give him daying injection( sleep forever) at 3 p.m....otherwise you can bring him earlier to the centre......just put him into the beg....!!!!!!!!!!1 What a terrible cruel woman I thought....We don't want our dog to die ......we still believe there is a chance ....and how can she say bring in bag ......it is not a thing it is feeling dog.I was praying for him to survive or to die not to suffer a lot.Then I had to go to the town when I came back I saw empty place where he was laying.....I has fear in eyes I asked my brother :where i sBobo' he replied .......vet came earlier there is no Bobo''
I thought the worst but realised my brother is not serious and he said ;I am joking .......we moved hi m to other rom ...he has to be islated.But it was true the vet came earlier.......fortunately she said : we have to give him a chance ....Thanx God.Today brother was feeding him with a syringe and milk.I hope he will be fine..soon.But I am afraid this illness which Bobo got from neighbour's female dog spreaded and our other dog has it too.Bob ........Fight.......
I told him ......''Bobo Christmas are coming,,,,,,,,please don't live us'''

gloomy days...........

2004-11-18T04:57:00.000-08:00

winter is coming .and it is visible......maybe not snow yet but it is getting really cold brrrrr ....temperature below zero ,windy and rainy days...these days are the best when I can stay at home with cup of hot tea under the blanket and watching favourite movie or chatting with friends....but what to do when this school is so overwhelming too much and I am overpowered by all circumstances.Today our ''crazy'' history teacher was telling us about judgement in courts and he said : dear children let God prevent you from any case in a court'' then he added''ok Zosia repeat what did I say ?''.......silence appeared in class room and I was staring at him........I thought he is joking..,it was ridiculous..terrible silence came into the class so after a while I said :''Dear child let God prevent you from any case in a court''lol and we all started to laugh laudly.The problem is that our teacher likes making fun of teenagers.......actually we got used to his odd behaviour and sometimes even if he is saying something funny in his mind and we find it utterly ridiculous ,we laugh not to make him upset ..........otherwise he would be cruel while giving us any mark.Actually today he asked maybe me cause yesterday when he asked me from previus lesson I got middle grade...not good .I don't know what happened ...I was developing the topic and then I couldn't say even a word.....that happens..
Some time ago I had injection for diphteria,tetanus and whooping cough...it wasn't painful but next day my arm was a bit swallen and paining.I had always fear because of injections.Once in my childhood when old lady came to do me an injection I simply locked myself in a bathroom and was sitting there till she was gone.This is how I avoided injection.lolLast days I had also little pain in my mouth so I was thinking oh no I will have to go t dentist.........but later it appeared that this pain was because of gums and 8 th tooth that is growing .......grrrrrrrr.......
I saw 2 god movies ..:one entitled ''Chopin =need of love''.........Chopin is our famous polish piano compositor but movie was more about his private life .What is interesting is that his body is buried in Paris cemeteary Per la chais ( it is strange cemetary as people don't bring there any candles or flowers.....it is very grey and looks forgotten)but his heart was brought to Poland-it was his wish before death.it was quite sad story and showes composer as a bit insane as majority of artists are but general view was good and another movie was ''Harry Potter''..........Some time ago i was trying to read this book but I simply couldn't focus on it.....it was so childlish or maybe I didn't have time enough to cope with it.Anyway my sister persuaded me to watch with them and I have to admit it was great............so magic and with fantasy.Joan Rowling(the author of a book) must have really great imagination .......sometimes it is good to forget about problems and cruel life and escape to the world of fairy tales .None can forbid us to dream ....
Yesterday my grandpa did something utterly ridiculous...Every morning he makes a tea for us:simply takes express tea in a pack and pour boiling water on it...but yesterday instead of taking express tea he took soluble chicken soup which looks like square in a paper and poured boiling water on...then stirred.....
What was the most surprising was the fact that to the end he was sure he made a tea for us.
When we saw it we were shocked.generally it is very funny situation but it means that my grandpa's memory is really low.......what to do.Someone says it is nrmal at his age......but sometimes he even leaves tap switchedon and water is pouring and pouring down ......sometimes he leaves even hissing gass and it is a bit very dangerous.
3 days ago I went with my class to theatre...It was great.In my childhood I always prefared cinema than theatre but now I started to appreciate theatre especially if they are playing nice comedy.This time it was comedy indeed but combined with elements of tragedy.At moments I thought I will burst out laughing it was so ridiculous.Sometimes I wonder how do they manage to stay so serious ...lol

like a crowd of glowworms.....

2004-10-31T03:28:00.000-08:00

Today is friday and I am very happy that eventually I will have some free time.Today I was breathing at school like a fish ......only by mouth,,,cause because of sneezing my nose was stuck.so all the time I was just thinking to go home as soon as possible..Some time ago we had math test and I was a bit upset as I thought I didn't do well.I will tell you what I did: I had some problems with solving exercise number 4 (there were 5 exercises) but eventually I noted something,then I realised that this what I wrote is utterly stupid and without sense so I crossed out all that page and then schoool bell rang(what means the end of math and the end of test) so in a hurry I took one part of this page in a circle by pen as a sign that it may be correct and handed it in.Imagine how I was surprised and happy to get to know I got 4 + it means I did well.Thanx God teacher accepted this what I wrote and what was in my opinion more like own happy and crazy invention than math solution..such things happen always whenn little philosophers want to take math in their hands.......simply there is no place for philosophers in math lol Yesterday during pysical education hour we were throwing ball ,so called medical ball ( medical ball is a ball that weighs from 3 up to 5 kilos) .I threw 6 meters.On avarage girls from class were throwing from 5.5 to 7 and one even did 8.Marks weren't bad..but I think such things shouldn't be marked..it is not my fault I am not strong enoughbut who cares...Next day so today I am having terrible pain in my muscles lol it means I must exercise more... Yesterday also we were having first rechearsal for our school theatre.Me and my friend act in a choir but fortunately we don't have to sing -we can say our version..But what was the most annoying was the boy that is playing one of main roles...he has great accent..so he was correcting everyone all the time...even teacher...He is native Polish but don't know why and for what he speaks mainly in English although half of people here don't understand him...so after rechearsal we doubted if we should take part in it or not.. On 1st November there is here very important day
..and celebration ALL SOULS' DAY so we commemorate all these who are dead. My family come to us and together we visit graves and pray.Probably my aunt and uncles will come on sunday or maybe even saturday and stay a bit longer.On the proper day of commemoration so on 1 st nov. what is on monday we are free from school but we visit some cemetaries ,some are far away from our living place.But the most time we spend on this one where my grandma is buried and her parents so my grand grandma >and grandgrandpa.We visit graves,light candles and bring flowers .We stay there till it is dark...you know the cemetary is so beautiful then.It loks very peaceful and luminous.Each grave has some candles so it looks like crowd of glowworms.it is is like a sign of our memory for them...we will never forget them...they are still in our hearts and minds although some of them I couldn't get to know...I was simply not here yet.There is always special atmosphere of this day felt in the air..special union of families and friends.In front of the cemetary gate people sell candles,flowers,cotton candy-very sweet ,pretzels and dark bread also a bit sweet but very nice and traditional.I love my family very much but sometimes they are a bit annoying.You know all these aunts and uncles come and kiss you three times in a chick for greeting so imagine for exmple ten aunts coming to you and kissing in a chick -every aunt and every uncle.And then every year they ask me same questions : ''Zosia why you don't
have a boyfriend?'' or ''Zosia what are you gonna do in the future?'' or sometimes I hear my aunt saying to my mum ''well Zosia looks very healthy''lol..so You see I am fed up with it sometimes but I always try to be polite They are all sitting around the table and talking about politics and different staff so sometimes I don't find myself between them,,,,,,,,,,,,,anyway there is no place left cause so many people...When I was little child my mum was keeping me at her knees or grandpa ,sometimes they were calling me.."Zosia come here dear mum is going to do delicious sandwich for you''lol So before they come I have lots of tiding and cleaning ,I promised mum to tidy my room actually I promised it myself.Today when I started to tidy I found some newspapers from library that should be given back long time ago...so I went to the library immediately but fortunately I wasn't charged for keeping it too long. it is autumn here but today we had really beautiful weather..here we had about 15 degree centigrades and very sunny.You are just walking along the street and see all those trees yellow,brown and purple...it is so warm autumn and leaves fall down the trees or on your face lol.I like the colour of them..I promised myself to go to the forest but I can't deceive time.

I am still alive......

2004-10-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

Last week was full of parties unfortunately cause there were too many of them but what to do most of my closer class mates are from October.First my friend Karolina has birthday on 13 th(some people claim it is unlucky day but she is always so lucky that it seems to be a kind of myth).First she said she is not organising anything,however I decided to buy something for her as I know her for 12 years now.Imagine I always have problem what to buy although I love giving presents sometimes I have fear of disillusionment from someone's side.I was walking and walking through avenues and then I saw beautiful long scarf...and I thought she must have it or if not she I will take it for myself...It is long,colourful and so optimistic...I was sure it must be something she likes although it is strange gift as for 18 th birthday.Apart from that I gave ger figure of elephant ..it was green with some flowers on it ,quite heavy .Elephant was holding peace of paper saying:For 18th luck.She was very surprised with gift but happy and invited me for her family party on Sunday.But before there was another Kasia's birthday party.It was organised in Gnaszyn-about 30 minutes by bus from my town.Me and my Karolina collected some money and bought for her quite tall wooden figure presenting cat black one + sorry to say funnt ashtray cause she is smoking like a locomotive,eventually she admitted it is too nice as for ashtray and keeps there jewellery.But I have to say it was not good party.Actually everything was delicious especially pizza:) and we were dancing a bit and making funny faces in front of camera but then the atmosphere started to get worse.Imagine Kasia was showing al presents but forgot to show the gift from her boyfriend.That's why they had an argue.One of her cousins took some drugs and became very agressive.These were people that I and Karolina saw for the first time.We felt the atmosphere was getting very unpleasant and it is better to go home.We were supposed to have given lift by Marta and her boyfriend Przemek(Przemek was another problem,actually not he but Kasia's female friends who hanged an eye on him and were gosiping about marta that she doesn't deserve on him etc.,unfortunately she heard everything and became very apprehensive).So after doing some picture we came up to kasia and informed her we are leaving.Her boyfriend with whom she had a row thought we are going because of him.So he blamed us for this that kasia was angry with him.He took the car and drove away.
When we were outside this drug taker came and said he would like to hit someone...he was very aggressive and hit the gate with his hand so that it was damaged and his grandpa and grandma came out and started shouting.Wegot into the car and Marta was one leg still outside when we noticed that Kasia's boyfriend is driving directly towards us with great speed......we didn't know what to do.We felt we are going to die in a minute.We hesitated whether to escape immediately or stay and wait..........but we were in shock that we couldn't move so we were just sitting and staring as he is looming.Fortunately he omitted us in last minute and drove next to us but then another thing happened ,he turned in the back and it looked as if he was going to hit our car from the back...so we all decided to go home as soon as posible.Fortunately this boy was not following us.When I was home I felt as if stone left my heart.I was so scared.I always try to avoid such people and such violent situation.I didn't know Kasia's other friends so how could I suppose something like this is gonna happen?
And on Sunday this karolina's family party.Well it was quite nice but I felt a bit strange and stiff sitting between her uncles and aunts talking abut politics.I was glad Karolina was there so we had some other topics together.The worst was that I had some homework for Monday so I was sitting till 4 a.m. writing esays for polish which actually wasn't checked. ...

One minute of silence.....

2004-10-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

Today all school was like sleeping .all in sadness and schock.Boy from my school comitted a suicide.He hanged himself in a forest.Yesterday they found his body...
We don't know what was the reason of his behaviour and this will probably remain mystery forever...He didn't pass to next class because of his polish teacher.He had to pass final exam in August but he failed.that means he has to repeat the class.His friends told he wasn't depressed or very upset about it.But actually he came just once in September,greet his class and now this terrible news.His parents didn't know he is repeating class.Today before geography test we commemorated him by a minute of silence.it was so silent that almost annoying like in a church.I don't like such silence..it makes me feel like a mummy..and even fly is audible.
There is a display in my school with different pictures of school,it is picture in black and white...and he is there.I didn't know him very well,actualy I even didn't talk with him.I was just passing this boy as each stranger..but everytime when I got to know about such terrible mysery I feel so sad and I know I can't do anything about it.Students lighted candles in front of school and sticked his pictures to the trees in front of the school.Our main teacher dedicated our polish lesson to talk about our attitude towards school and parents.Teenagers are here very often depressed about school and often feel they are not able to cope with all these difficult subjects.Our main teacher(the mother of class) asked us "tell me is comitting a suicide for you sign of bravery or being cowardly?''and the class replied as something between.But as far as I am concerned I think it is very cowardly attitude..to end this life as if we were escaping from all these problems on the earth. ***************************
My class was going to have history today so me and my 2 class mates were standing in front of 10 class and talking.Suddenly we realised it is after the bell and no sign of our class....we started to look for them but no footprints even.We went to teacher room and asked where he may be I mean our professor.One teacher directed us to head master so we went but he couldn't help us.He went withus and we started to check door by door.but nope.Then fortunately we met other history teacher and she told us that Professor Mastalski is ibn 14 class as each thursday.We simply mistook the class.We were sure that today in 10 class.....So we run to the class but didn't have enough bravery to knock and interrupt the lesson.Of course it heaped on me so I knocked and said"yyyy good morning we are sorry to be late''
He was very mad ....other class mates told me he called me ''notorious escaper'' and used also some other descriptive words for my other 2 friends.lol he is so funny sometimes...

Brain?-left at home....

2004-10-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

Yeasterday in my country there was celebrated the day of BOY.There is a habit that from sheer politeness girls from our class buy something for boys(without any personal aim).And they compensate somehow on women day:):) This thursday big geography test was supposed to happen so we though oh gosh we must move somewhere and there is an occasion cause BOY DAY is coming..so we decided to go anywhere...instead of giving them another panties or cups or lolipops...We were hesitating between theatre and cinema just to have thursday free of school.Actually I don't know why but my class is a bit quaint.What I mean is that boys and girls don't talk to each other.apart from asking about homework and copying lol..that seems really strange.There are like 2 camps in one boys and in second girls.There are 2 couples in our class and apart from them there is one big misunderstanding between girls and boys.The sentence ''Women are from Venus and man are from Mars'' seems to be proved.
Anyway we were supposed to go to cinema on polish movie entitled''Bench'' and we had to go out after long break.It was dead line to decide about the subject of may matura exam so I thought to go only to cinema and earlier think more about subject what is my big dilema last days.I am very concerned about my future.Unfortunately my class played truants(I mean they omitted deliberately one lesson with Mr.Mastalski and told our Class Mother that it was from his fault.So when I came to school ready to meet my class and go with them to cinema I met just one boy who didn't go with them.His name is Mikołaj and he is disabled.I feel sorry for him but every time when I talk to him I try to make him feel as normal as possible.Suddenly my class mother appeared and very surprised asked me what I am doing here .I explained everything.and she said she is going to join the class later as movie starts at 11:30 so we have stil some time and my class is waiting there cause they finished earlier...(I thought poor teacher .they just escaped from this lesson...)So we took bus and joined the rest of group.My friend couldn't count all boys and later we realise that she paid for too many tickets but it was too late.Generally the movie was very well directed and a bit funny but actually it was just another stupid romantic story about gullible,naive woman and typical pervert yuk!
Me and my best class mate Karolina were laughing at it...we thought "great movie for a lonely hearts as ours.Of course boys said it was the worst movie they have ever seen but thanxed us for making them also free from geography test.
**************************Today -friday.I had to be at school at zero hour so at 7 o'clock for the physical education(usually I have it earlier as I am running for the bus).I woke up a bit late at 6:30 so did everything in a hurry but didn't miss the bus.Here we have obligation to get on the bus through first doors and show ticket to the driver.I showed him and then realised we have 1st october today and my ticket was valid to 30sept,fortunately driver didn't notice it is not proper ticket.he just had a glimpse at it.Anyway I was living in tension for the whole way..because...apart from checking the ticket by driver there are special people whose job is to check the tickets and proof of identity and if someone doesn't have proper one then must pay a kind of charge -my mum wouldn't be happy about it.So I was going with karolina and Justyna and all way to school we were observing people getting on the bus if they are checkers or not.Actually is not difficult to recognise them as they work on same bus lines for a long time and still same.Thanx God I survived somehow today.But then at school I realised I didn't take my dressing for exercising so teacher noted in her diary:Zosia-not prepared for the lesson.Actually I had shorts to exercise but forgot T-shirt.that I was ironing late at night and stayed on the ironing desk.
Then I was going through the corridor and came across my geography teacher,actually I bounced from his stomach and I mumbled"I am sorry..eee good morning''.Of course he looked at me a s on strange creature and went forward.Then I realised I forgot book and glasses too....so I thought ''great''..actually it is quite funny day.Going home I decided not to risk going by bus but going on foot.Actually it wasn't bad idea as I refreshed a bit (it was pouring and as we have at home one umbrella which was taken by my sister,I even didn't have any hood today .Some people when raining or pouring even put a bag .thin bag on their heads but I don't have such habit)but again my head looked like curly sheep.It was only 30 minutes of walk.Sometimes I ask myself :where did I leave my brain...it seems to be sleeping...or maybe I left it in a fridge to refresh and make thinking properly lol.Today I noticed my dog has again these terrible bold wholes on his back...so we have to take him again to vet in order to apply another vaccination.Yuk I have always hated vaccination with a syring.Each time we weresupposed to have it at school I was trembling with fear and became paler than I am so nurse always asked me to turn my head in different direction or clse my eyes.And then I always trid to imagine something pleasant or that it is only little fly biting me now...but I understand the fear of my dog.He must be brave....;0.

Struggling to survive like turtle after coming out of an egg runs to the sea to avoid meeting with bird of prey

2004-09-26T02:11:00.000-07:00

Last days were covered with routine at school.We have history teacher who is bachelor and hates women and girls and he has very personal attitude towards history.It is really quaint creature cause everyone has to think same as he concerning politics and history and generally life if not then...you may change your school.Anyway he was supposed to have with us one hour of history per week and 2 hours of KNOWLEDGE ABOUT SOCIETY....but he simply said he doesn't know how to teach KnOWLEDGE and generally that it is stupid for children (so I don't know how did he get this job) and said we will be having 3 hours of history...we were shocked cause history can be so dull.
Ok on Tuesday there was history and then on Wednesday Knowledge was supposed to be deal with but apart from that we saw our ''great'' techer coming to us with history map and saying: Ok today I will be mowing(he uses this expression for examining us and giving bad marks)so we with our big grudge in heart came in and sat and then he started mowing of course we weren't prepared for questioning so my class mate got 2(which is almost the lower grade) and then our class mother came to give the register so we started to beg her ..please Mrs. Witek,please tell Mr.Mastalski that today we have K A S not history...so she whispered something to him and we survived....there was KAS.
I like school cause I meet there class mates and it can bef unny sometimes.We are lucky to have a kind of school canteen so on big break or when we have free hour (as it hapens when boys have physical education ;we have this lesson apart but sometimes there is no fre hall so we just sit in the canteen and read magaznes or talk or do homework)we buy big casseroles and they are really long but quite cheap mmmmm
Some time ago I had terribly stupid dream ......In this dream I visited my grandma and she said I have weak hair so she recommended me remedy .It was a kind of blend that I was supposed to put on my head.The blend consisting of cow's urine and milk..and I duly put it on my hair....hahahaha I don't know how so stupid things may occure in my head..this dream was utterly ridiculous and when I woke up Iwas laughing to myself...
Yesterday I was watching horror with my friends...I like such evenings to tremble with fear a bit but only a bit cause then at night I always have some problems with falling asleep.I feel there is someone in the room and I think I see some shadows....but some years ago I said to myself:hey it is only movie so there is nothing to worry about anyway what can ghost do to me?The answer is "he may fright you to death..''

wake up....the night will come

2004-09-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone is just mysterious and unknown pedestrian
Everyone carries the darkness of his sorrow and light of happiness on his own
Everyone closes the door behind himself and never comes back.....

My schedule is quite bad.actually it is me who made it so.I come back from school and then do everything apart from doing my homework that's why late at night I can't close my eye cause my conscience doesn't let me to do so.I know my homework is still waiting in rucksack...and call me : Zosia...shame you you again forget about us....how could you?How will yur life will be in the future?
Then I make strong coffee and sit sometimes till 3 o'clock a.m. doing my homework and then at school(as it happened this week)I fall asleep on my desk what is the reason of good mood of my class mates.Next day I come from school ,have a nap which is rather long and then have too little time to do my homework .One day I fell asleep during the lesson..my eyelids were simply too heavy..so I lost contact with reality but woke up suddenly when felt that my head is going dangerously down.My friend said: Hey Zosia do you have a hiccup or are you so nervous?great...what a shame.
During brake I was drinking juice (''Kubuś'') and was very sleepy...so my head found itself on my friend's shoulder as we were standing one to another.Then I heared my history teacher saying...'' pull it pull it ...I am curious what have you drunk that made you so...''I said : it is just KUbUś...but he said: yeah sure:):)
hmmmmm....I am fed up with school but I came up to a point that the only way to survive in here is to make myself love this beautiful place with all my senses(yeah this is my new pattern of thinking).Since today I don't drink coffee....god help me.
Today (friday) there was international day of cleaning the earth so me and my class went to pick up the rubbish near monastery and in the centre.We were all equipped in blue disposable begs and gloves.Fortunately(and what is good sign of human care about environmental problems) we had little to pick up.actually some groups before had picked up all rubbish :):):):)
Each escapade like this gives us great responsibility to go out with friends so after this exhausting job me and my 2 friends went for pizza ( actually it was false pizza...not original but thanx to that much cheaper).Everyone had 4 pieces of pizza and there was share sauce.In addition tea with lemon...it was quite glamorious restaurant that one of my friend recommended.I like tasting new dishes so.....it was really delicious and our stomachs were really full.I have to go there again.
Later we were doing some shopping(actually we haven't bought anything just staring at clothes and other staff).What is the most annoying is that when you touch something then sales assistant appeares as he grew from underground and asks if he could help us somehow.And we say : nope ,thanx,we are just looking...
You know wandering through the city is terribly exhausting and tiring..but enjoyable also ...
I am happy there is such nice park around the monastery...it is close to the crowdy city but when you are there you forget about everything , it is very idyllic for me.to se all this beauty of trees and hear birds....but then I have to go again along the street and pass all these people...( I know I sounds strange but sometimes all these people chasing for something seems funny for me and gets on my nerves).I pass them and they are so close to me but they are so strange to me and probably I would never talk to them and now I notice that there are some people in this world who are so far away from me and they are close to my heart.They are from these people who notice spots on the strawberry...they are special to me.Last time I checkedthe anathomy of strawberry in ilustrated english dictionary ( just from sheer curiosity) and you know this spot on a strawberry is called ''achene''.
One of my friend was putting on some clothes today in a shop.What is funny she is 18 but she buys clothes in shops for children.Actually she is very thin and wears small sizes and her favourite colour is wild pink(very bright)ok that is her choice.But today we had to visit this shop with her and everyone was looking at us as on idiots when she took 2 blouses and trousers to try on..Eventually it appeared to be too small(as we were all sure about but she..no no .she had to try it on okey).
I came to a point that I am not the only big child n ths earth...but I prefer to be so inside than outside and show it.Tere was also another shop we visited.She asked us to go with her cause sales assistants are native italians and (don't know why ) she was ashamed to go there on her own.They were talking to us in polish but...between themselves only in their language...great.It is quite annoying when you don't know what are they talking about..and everyone suspects the worst...

in the middle of nowhere

2004-09-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was at my friend's birthday party.She organized it about 30 minutes drive away from my living place so me and Karolina (class mate)were supposed to be lifted by our friend Kasia and her boyfriend.We were standing near the road and waiting at arranged time but they were late.That day Kasia was dying her hair but her father blocked the bathroom so she had to wait til he is out that's why they were late.Anyway,he is driving terribly so we were praying to appear on this party.During our way on the chosen place Karolina wanted to have a look at Kasia's gift for our share friend ,unfortunately she tore (damaged) the pack.But Kasia is optimist so she just burst out laughing.
The party was being organized in the middle of the forest and not far from lake .Thyere are summmer houses to rent there.Everyone was waiting for us with blowing down candles.OOOPSS I don't like being late although I am not so punctual myself.The party was quite good but till time.Kasia's boyfriend drank too much and they went somewhere.We thought they want to be alone....but after some time Tomek(Kasia's boyfriend) came back on his own.He had terrible row with Kasia and she disappeared.We started to lok for her...it was dark...and rather cold outside...and she was just in short-sleaved T-shirt.We were wandering in a whole group through the forest calling her name and asking fisher men for her.The landscape near the lake was beautiful..Fishing rots had some kind of blue lights on it...and fisher men were sitting silently waiting for fishes to be caught.But there was no sign of Kasia.Tomek was drunk and wanted to take car and go away home but then the owner of summer houses stopped him and called the police.We were in a shock.Marta ( who was organizing the party)got an attack of asthma,she was crying...there was even a thought that Tomek could do something to Kasia.The police noted something and went away .Tomek fell asleep on the table so people moved him to room and place on a bed.After 4 hours Kasia came back as we met her on our way to the forest.....she was mad and said she just had long walk (in the middle of the night!!) but didn't want to come back to the party.So we were standing there with her for a while.Kasia's boyfriend was supposed to take us back home but his condition was saying it is impossible ,someone from the party was going to lift guests home but at 7 o'clock a.m. and we were tired(I don't like such long parties)so at 2 o'clock p.m. we called for my mum ( actually she wasn't very happy about waking her up in the midle of her dreams ) but thanx god she arrived and too us home ...me ,Karolina and another girl who asked to be lifted.The worst and funny thing was that I had to go and say bye for everyone so left Kasia and went to te building where everyone was asking if Kasia is found and she asked us not to say she is so...we had to pretending we don't know where she is.But some people went us as a companion on the way to the car and me and Karolina thought:oh no...now our lie wil me out..so Karolina jumped out fast in front of the crowd to warn Kasia...and she hid in a car.As a bit earlier Kasia also asked us to bring her car keys from her boyfriend's back pocket...oh god it was terrible.But what people do for friends...They are always having row at the partiesas Tomek is very jeallous.One day she came to school with hurt eye and told us it was accident but yesterday she told us that Tomek hit her.He looses control when he drinks too much..We all told her she should leave him but she says : I love him,I can't ,I just feel misery that I fell in love with bad man.She shouldn't left the party ...it was harmfull for the girl who invited us....but thanx god she is all and healthy.

Hello!!!!It is just me...

2004-09-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

Tday is Friday....I feel I dishearted my diary somehow .sorry for that but it is impossible to post everyday.Sometimes I feel as if I was here just standing like a monument and my life is passing me like poor doog chasing for something and escaping from something....butI am just looking at it.My mum is asking me .hey Zosia so what subjects are you taking for matura exam.-I don't know...and time is ticking away...oh God if only I had some more time.It is really hard for me.Today we had relligion lesson with priest and it was quite interesting
as was more like psychology than relligion.It was about parents and bringing up children.It is scientistically proved that our personallities bases on this what we had at home in childhood years.Lack of confidence,conformism,not being asertive.....actually when he was saying it I realised it is me..This is bitter truth..My family was never united to the end that's why I have problems with making friends and I am not good at displaying affection.Or maybe it is just thought that made a nest in my brain.I believe (what I have learnt from Louise L. Hay books)that there are some opinion we plant in our mind and are sure it is so but actualy it is sometimes just grain we planted and it is really hard to change it(to change our pattern of thinking) to dig this grain out...cause with time it has longer roots.It' s like with my sister.She doesn't want to eat cause she is sure she is fat although she is like a stick...but her thought has long roots and she is addicted to not eating...strange but truth...and it lasts for 3 years..it is hard to change her thinking pattern.The priest said today that the only advantage of such people who sit quietly in a corner is their sensitivity and ability to understand other people's emotional problems.sometimes I am sorry I can't fight for life...with my claws,scratching and pushing with my elbows...but I am not so .It is hard for me I don't won't to hurt anyone but what to do when people hurt me.someone told me once: to survive you must be cunnig as a fox and trust no one,be false....good people will fall and everyone would defeat you...you must fight as if you had to hunt some food for your young children waiting for food in a nest..be like a bird of prey''I can't..........
and hope life won't change me as this man.there are angels on the earth just,,,,,invisible
I prefer to be poor but good.Anyway I know what is the reason of my weakness and I believeI can change it.
Yesterday I was late for the lesson and had to sit in front of the history teacher.It was terrible.he was staring at me as if I was rabbit.He was as always telling stupid jokes about girls and how do they get old(men has the same so I don't understand what is funny about it)and always when anyone is sitting there there is high posibilty he or she will have his saliva on a face:)
Yesterday after school I went to the doctor as I have some pain in my stomach...but the queue was too long so I came back home.After 2 hours someone rang to my doors saying the bus driver has found my property in a bus and if I want to get it back I must be at the bus stop at 9 p.m.So went with my sister.I am glad there are honest people in this world.I wanted to thanx him somehow .giving a chocolate but there was no chocolate in a shop so bought some cakes and gave him.I have my wallet back...If I lost it I would be misery.There wasn't much money inside but all important documents such as identity proof,monthly bus ticket,keys!I am realy clumsy...!!!!!!!Today my friend (who has just made driving licence)lifted me to school.I was a bit afraid cause she was driving as if she was drunk...but eventualy we survived and I am still alive.On longer break we were doing some photos as my class mate brought camera to school.It was quite funny...we took pictures mainly of eyes...eyes are the speech of soul.I love looking into eyes..they tell me a lot about soeone.I know some people who never look into your eyes when you talk with them...for me it is false,not sincere.I avoid such creatures.During polish lesson we were again dealing with poems.What is it all about?On math few people failed in front of the blackboared but thanx god I survived(but not for long).This week I was on duty with Kasia(friend)so I was cleaning the blackboared and she was looking for chalk.Of course we had some changes.But Friday was last day of our pain.Tomorrow my friend Marta is organizing birthday party so we went after school to town with Karolina (as we collected money for gift together)and bought her photo albuma nd nice candle(aromathic with stick fruit).Here when you are 18 it is very important part of yur life..it is like a gate to adult life and maturity.But again I won't sleep long..hmmm What to do?Youth is time for fun...and schol too.yup I 'd better end my obligatory reading...

sunny monday

2004-09-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

yup it is sunny..I woke up today with a thought : what a beautiful morning in my life......as it is always good to start with optimist thoughts.and then when I saw me in a mirror my soul screamed inside with sheer panic..oh god.I looked like a sheep.My curly hair beat the record.On the other hand I thought...whatever at least I look natural.so natural as I have just jumped out of bed lol.What to do I would wash my hair but I would be late then for a bus to school!?Who cares about hair ..but when I came out from the bathromm my nice brother saw me and said ...Hey sister you have quite good nest on your head..-thanx,no comments.I like you too dear brother.
Ok I came back to bathroom and made a ponytail...in the meantime quite long queue created in front of the doors and I felt as if they were gong to kill me with their eyes.Thanx god my mum was going to town ..she lifted me to school.Sometimes I wish to be bold.the shorter hair you have the less problematic it is...
Grandpa brought tomatoes and apples from the garden in the afternoon and I had this honour to place them on the window.in a sun just to let them be more red .I was putting them there and thinking how borng must it be to be a tomato (on the other hand each tomato has a companion of another sitting on him or next so at least it is not lonely) and that it is cheering that in this busy life we have time to be close to the nature ,when my grandpa eating dinner said: in 1939..the september was the same so warm...and then it became worse...and I said : but thanx God there is no World War now...-oh Zosia...there is already war.
Life is brutal why must it be so.Day by day brings unexpected news.Yesterday I heared in aradio that there are being taken some actions to provide peace between Pakistan and India (in this conflict about Kashmir) and that brought some happiness in my heart.Iam glad ,this gives me hope...cause I believe everythng is possible if only people have good will.It is so easy to destroy our home...The Earth....Hey I don't want to live on Mars....I have the fear of open areas.

Under the wings of night

2004-09-05T05:21:00.000-07:00

Saturday....STOP wedding STOP party STOP.Early morning I went to the hairdresser with my sister as we made an appointment arranged the day before.Although this fact hairdresser's room was fulll and we had to wait.
My sister has short hair so she went home and left me there.I don't like hairdressers just as dentists.you sit on this armchair and nervous woman is damaging your hair so that you come back with less than you had before.anyway..I wanted to have curly hair for the party so asked to do so.She put some plastic rolls on my head and told me to sit under big hairdryer...it lasted some time so I took one newspaper and started to read it when one some men came.I thought the hairdresser simply forgot about me and my hair will be burnt in a minute.Believe me the temperature was high. I thought: Oh God I am like old lady sitting in a hairdresser just lacking someone to gossip with.I am getting older and older.oh no.When I came back I saw my sister a bit angry changing her new hairstyle...hm..she said she looked like in a helmet lol actually her style was good ...some people are more indecisive than I .how could it be?Maybe my family is sort of strange one but here wedding parties are rare thing...so I was happy to be invited.I was feeling a bit strange cause I didn't know there anybody apart from my friend and my sister who was also invited by my friend's brother.First couch took us to bride's home and then we went on foot to close church but what happened...we realised the church is not empty and had to wait for about half an hour in front of it..great organization I thought.really great.In the church my stomach was terribly rumbling and I was counting time to go out but that would be rude to go in the middle out.When we came out of the church as tradition says bride and her husband were thrown at with rice,sweets and coins but they weren't happy about it.actually better sweets and coins than eggs or tomatoes.The party started at 6p.m. As usual with lots of food..the sound of hissing pans and casserole and cutlery could be hear.I suppose everyone was so hungry as me cause they grabbed the spoons and happily started to swallow everything around (almost like ants).That's why I find wedding parties utterly strange.people come ,eat a lot and drink ....dance and take part in stupid competitions ( I also took part but someone forced me..life is brutal).What I hate more is the camera.I was sitting and checking sms box when my sister came up to me ans said : Zosia...you were in a camera for 5 mnutes oh no...sometimes even when people are alone their face makes difference faces ,expressions.I see this video casette in my imagination....that will be very funny.very! Don't worry then there is always a possibility to leave this town..lol(actually I can't see such possibility around....I am really clumsy but why always such situation happen to me).
The party ended at 6 a.m. and couch took us home.I tried to close my eyes during this one hour of ride but my head was bouncing like a ball hitting the window....I came back home but me and Beata forgotten to take keys so we had to ring and all house was awoken.never mind actually none was angry just asking how it was.I put hairpins aside and washed my face from the make up to let it breathe and fell asleep.But this idyll didn't last long as I had some obligations to school and terrible headache as always when I don't sleep at night.My mum made delicious apple pie as usually on sundays but I had stomach full and the only remedy I found in green tea that helps a lot.But...later....hmmm they left me some n a fridge:):):)

This place doesn't smell with stress..The whisper of passing days

2004-09-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dear diary
I hope you missed me during these 2 days..:)..you know it is good to know that there is someone thinking of you.even if this someone doesn't exist...Sometimes I feel so lonely here and small as if I was snipped in a paper and sticked to the reality that doesn't fit to my nature.I feel like an alien talking in a different language and although this language is similar to the others I know from their eyes they actually don't understand me at all..I realised life is a bit difficult (a bit =very very very)but well I am not the only one who feels so although I noticed some of my friends have this confidence and high self_estimate I lack even if everyone knows they are not so intelligent as claimed...that may be a kind of remedy for us to adjust ourselves to the issues of complicated social relations.''Faith causes miracles to happen''and this is very useful here in this life.You probably wonder what place am I talking about in the title...yup you are right it is hung on my school's doors...lol isn't it ridiculous?If knowledge has any smell what would it be like? Actuallly my mind digest only this what is not covered with stress cause if not it is seen as a predator or bird of prey poisoning my brain and scratching with its claws for some short time and then saying bye 4ever.Such knowledge not leaving even a footprints in our conscience believe me is not very useful during exam.My school..hmmm...actually the smell of it is hard to describe.Something between human sweat,chewing gum and bathrooms smells.The worst situation is during winter...imagine we have apart bathrooms for boys and girls but usually boys come to our bathroom and everyone smokes cigarettes although it is formally forbidden.That's why in this rooms windows are always open to bring some fresh air.but in winter...well there were times that central heating was out of order and we had to stand one to another to make some warm.but even then windows in the bathroom were opened.I am real opponent of cigarettes and don't know how people can breathe in deliberately such substances like nicotime and others causing cancer.I feel sorry for smokers cause my uncle (who lives with us)smokes for 17 years now and everyday especially in the early morning) I can hear his terrible cough as if he was going to through his lungs out.On the other hand I am tolerant about it....and everyone has right to do what they want.
today and yesterday we had at school (apart from other subjects)History.Our history teacher is realy quaint (it is not me who should judge him but I am sure he wouldn't be mad about it lol).Hi's a bachelor so presumably this is the reason of his sheer hatred towards all girls.His lessons differ a bit from normal routine.he starts each lesson wth giving a topic and some points to the notebook and then pages from which we have to learn and then he talks about things totally not connected with the topic.On the next lesson he simply ask us about what we read and gives marks.So we are sitting like on a pills or laughing out loudly from his jokes although sometimes very stupid and utterly lacking fun.But today as it was the beginning we were laughing so that my stomach ached.Me and my friend that sits with me laugh very quietly but it is easy to suffocate so we always try to be serius but in this conditions it seems to be impossible and great art.
During polish lesson we were dealing with polish poet's poems and whole my class was as if we all forget the tongue in mouth.Then teacher asked me to read aloud one poem from the book(brought from our school library for everyone)and imagine my book didn't have one page this from which I had to read...well it seems to be like an excuse but it was true and I had to admit it.That was another cause of good mood of my class this day. Someone else read it and me and my friend were staring at each other asking: hey what is it all about?And then someone explained it aloud...Actually I would never guess it from this words.Iwrite poems by myself sometimes and these are the only poems I understand...but actually I claim everyone may nderstand it as he /she wants.because how can we be sure about it what did the writer had on his \her mind while writting it?

last day of freedom...we are going to jail:)

2004-08-31T08:12:00.000-07:00

It is tuesday today and what is after tuesday?....hmmm..Wednesday?Hmm....the first day of school...the day of ''national teenage mourning''..what can I do.I have to defend this school stress and put some knowledge to my head.of course with slight permission of it.:)Tomorrow everyone will come like a crowd of ants to this terrible building dressed in black and white and smile happily to teachers thinking''Oh god....what am I doing here?''In my previous school there were rooms with windows without handles like in a prison...don't know why..maybe to prevent us from comitting a suicide jumping out of the window???who knows...
Last night I couldn't close my eyes cause there was moon in full.I am not superstitious or something but I simply can't sleep when it is so.Clouds were black with only few stars on the sky.and few hours ago the moon looked like a big orange ball so I was missing not having a camera.Let's say I hid it deeply in my mind.Everytime when moon is in full it reminds me of all this wolves screaming to the moon or witches flying on the broomstick..(here is the result of watching too many thrillers)....so I closed the rollet blinds not to see this amazing sight...but then I heared my dog burking in front of the house.We simply forgot to close in at home.Probably there were other dogs or cats there that's why he was so naughty....maybe it is better he stayed there cause if he stayed at home he would bark on the corridor...Oh god sometimes I feel like in a zoo.In the morning as usual I went to the shop for a bread and some other stuff...and the sales assistant said :Oh Zosia I am sure you are very happy to go to school.aren't you?and she grinned...and I replied.."sure as never'':):)
Preparing the salad mum called me asking if I am eager to put some cucumber skin on my face(as it is thought to make it plain and nice in touch lol and have some whitening characteristics).Actually it doesn't have any sense for me now so I said my mum that even without it I look like an egg:).Today for the dinner I was peeling mushrooms and you know what?I can say it is real art to peel it properly as my mum said I am doing it as if it ws a potato!!anyway it is very nice vegetable.Just need tender hand ...

Every breathe you take....

2004-08-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

today I woke up with no ease.I just opened one eye ...thanx to the bright string of sun coming to my room through badly hung curtain and rapidly hid my face under the blanket.But then typical deluge of thoughts came and didn't let me close my eye.Yesterday I went to the swimming pool.just to relax a bit.You know it is really great feeling to dive in blue ....and disappear under the surface.I felt like a fish..splashing in it but then I got a pain in my foot and had to stop for a while.Have you heard that small babies can swim..!!???yup it is true.While they are in mum's abdomen they are in water so that's why.It is incredible.and today...hmm...something with my muscles.Now I am sitting with a piece of watermelon which is a kind of dessert after having an ice cream.You know the more I move the hungrier I am....well it seems to be quite normal reaction of human organizm.I like feeling that I am alive but do not exaggerate...peace also can be music.Where can you find this kind of melody?Only in perfect solitude near the river or n the forest.But then I am sorry I don't have wings to fly .to fly away and escape from this busy life .and problems.Yup I know what you think ...what a cowardly girl she must be.For me a sign of cowardness is comitting a suicide.but being so close to the nature ...so that you can hear the whisper of trees ....can't be called sin.It is just one of my secretly weaknesses...