Struggling to survive like turtle after coming out of an egg runs to the sea to avoid meeting with bird of prey

Last days were covered with routine at school.We have history teacher who is bachelor and hates women and girls and he has very personal attitude towards history.It is really quaint creature cause everyone has to think same as he concerning politics and history and generally life if not then...you may change your school.Anyway he was supposed to have with us one hour of history per week and 2 hours of KNOWLEDGE ABOUT SOCIETY....but he simply said he doesn't know how to teach KnOWLEDGE and generally that it is stupid for children (so I don't know how did he get this job) and said we will be having 3 hours of history...we were shocked cause history can be so dull.
Ok on Tuesday there was history and then on Wednesday Knowledge was supposed to be deal with but apart from that we saw our ''great'' techer coming to us with history map and saying: Ok today I will be mowing(he uses this expression for examining us and giving bad marks)so we with our big grudge in heart came in and sat and then he started mowing of course we weren't prepared for questioning so my class mate got 2(which is almost the lower grade) and then our class mother came to give the register so we started to beg her ..please Mrs. Witek,please tell Mr.Mastalski that today we have K A S not history...so she whispered something to him and we survived....there was KAS.
I like school cause I meet there class mates and it can bef unny sometimes.We are lucky to have a kind of school canteen so on big break or when we have free hour (as it hapens when boys have physical education ;we have this lesson apart but sometimes there is no fre hall so we just sit in the canteen and read magaznes or talk or do homework)we buy big casseroles and they are really long but quite cheap mmmmm
Some time ago I had terribly stupid dream ......In this dream I visited my grandma and she said I have weak hair so she recommended me remedy .It was a kind of blend that I was supposed to put on my head.The blend consisting of cow's urine and milk..and I duly put it on my hair....hahahaha I don't know how so stupid things may occure in my head..this dream was utterly ridiculous and when I woke up Iwas laughing to myself...
Yesterday I was watching horror with my friends...I like such evenings to tremble with fear a bit but only a bit cause then at night I always have some problems with falling asleep.I feel there is someone in the room and I think I see some shadows....but some years ago I said to myself:hey it is only movie so there is nothing to worry about anyway what can ghost do to me?The answer is "he may fright you to death..''

wake up....the night will come

Everyone is just mysterious and unknown pedestrian
Everyone carries the darkness of his sorrow and light of happiness on his own
Everyone closes the door behind himself and never comes back.....

My schedule is quite bad.actually it is me who made it so.I come back from school and then do everything apart from doing my homework that's why late at night I can't close my eye cause my conscience doesn't let me to do so.I know my homework is still waiting in rucksack...and call me : Zosia...shame you you again forget about us....how could you?How will yur life will be in the future?
Then I make strong coffee and sit sometimes till 3 o'clock a.m. doing my homework and then at school(as it happened this week)I fall asleep on my desk what is the reason of good mood of my class mates.Next day I come from school ,have a nap which is rather long and then have too little time to do my homework .One day I fell asleep during the lesson..my eyelids were simply too heavy..so I lost contact with reality but woke up suddenly when felt that my head is going dangerously down.My friend said: Hey Zosia do you have a hiccup or are you so nervous?great...what a shame.
During brake I was drinking juice (''Kubuś'') and was very sleepy...so my head found itself on my friend's shoulder as we were standing one to another.Then I heared my history teacher saying...'' pull it pull it ...I am curious what have you drunk that made you so...''I said : it is just KUbUś...but he said: yeah sure:):)
hmmmmm....I am fed up with school but I came up to a point that the only way to survive in here is to make myself love this beautiful place with all my senses(yeah this is my new pattern of thinking).Since today I don't drink coffee....god help me.
Today (friday) there was international day of cleaning the earth so me and my class went to pick up the rubbish near monastery and in the centre.We were all equipped in blue disposable begs and gloves.Fortunately(and what is good sign of human care about environmental problems) we had little to pick up.actually some groups before had picked up all rubbish :):):):)
Each escapade like this gives us great responsibility to go out with friends so after this exhausting job me and my 2 friends went for pizza ( actually it was false pizza...not original but thanx to that much cheaper).Everyone had 4 pieces of pizza and there was share sauce.In addition tea with lemon...it was quite glamorious restaurant that one of my friend recommended.I like tasting new dishes so.....it was really delicious and our stomachs were really full.I have to go there again.
Later we were doing some shopping(actually we haven't bought anything just staring at clothes and other staff).What is the most annoying is that when you touch something then sales assistant appeares as he grew from underground and asks if he could help us somehow.And we say : nope ,thanx,we are just looking...
You know wandering through the city is terribly exhausting and tiring..but enjoyable also ...
I am happy there is such nice park around the monastery...it is close to the crowdy city but when you are there you forget about everything , it is very idyllic for me.to se all this beauty of trees and hear birds....but then I have to go again along the street and pass all these people...( I know I sounds strange but sometimes all these people chasing for something seems funny for me and gets on my nerves).I pass them and they are so close to me but they are so strange to me and probably I would never talk to them and now I notice that there are some people in this world who are so far away from me and they are close to my heart.They are from these people who notice spots on the strawberry...they are special to me.Last time I checkedthe anathomy of strawberry in ilustrated english dictionary ( just from sheer curiosity) and you know this spot on a strawberry is called ''achene''.
One of my friend was putting on some clothes today in a shop.What is funny she is 18 but she buys clothes in shops for children.Actually she is very thin and wears small sizes and her favourite colour is wild pink(very bright)ok that is her choice.But today we had to visit this shop with her and everyone was looking at us as on idiots when she took 2 blouses and trousers to try on..Eventually it appeared to be too small(as we were all sure about but she..no no .she had to try it on okey).
I came to a point that I am not the only big child n ths earth...but I prefer to be so inside than outside and show it.Tere was also another shop we visited.She asked us to go with her cause sales assistants are native italians and (don't know why ) she was ashamed to go there on her own.They were talking to us in polish but...between themselves only in their language...great.It is quite annoying when you don't know what are they talking about..and everyone suspects the worst...

in the middle of nowhere

Yesterday I was at my friend's birthday party.She organized it about 30 minutes drive away from my living place so me and Karolina (class mate)were supposed to be lifted by our friend Kasia and her boyfriend.We were standing near the road and waiting at arranged time but they were late.That day Kasia was dying her hair but her father blocked the bathroom so she had to wait til he is out that's why they were late.Anyway,he is driving terribly so we were praying to appear on this party.During our way on the chosen place Karolina wanted to have a look at Kasia's gift for our share friend ,unfortunately she tore (damaged) the pack.But Kasia is optimist so she just burst out laughing.
The party was being organized in the middle of the forest and not far from lake .Thyere are summmer houses to rent there.Everyone was waiting for us with blowing down candles.OOOPSS I don't like being late although I am not so punctual myself.The party was quite good but till time.Kasia's boyfriend drank too much and they went somewhere.We thought they want to be alone....but after some time Tomek(Kasia's boyfriend) came back on his own.He had terrible row with Kasia and she disappeared.We started to lok for her...it was dark...and rather cold outside...and she was just in short-sleaved T-shirt.We were wandering in a whole group through the forest calling her name and asking fisher men for her.The landscape near the lake was beautiful..Fishing rots had some kind of blue lights on it...and fisher men were sitting silently waiting for fishes to be caught.But there was no sign of Kasia.Tomek was drunk and wanted to take car and go away home but then the owner of summer houses stopped him and called the police.We were in a shock.Marta ( who was organizing the party)got an attack of asthma,she was crying...there was even a thought that Tomek could do something to Kasia.The police noted something and went away .Tomek fell asleep on the table so people moved him to room and place on a bed.After 4 hours Kasia came back as we met her on our way to the forest.....she was mad and said she just had long walk (in the middle of the night!!) but didn't want to come back to the party.So we were standing there with her for a while.Kasia's boyfriend was supposed to take us back home but his condition was saying it is impossible ,someone from the party was going to lift guests home but at 7 o'clock a.m. and we were tired(I don't like such long parties)so at 2 o'clock p.m. we called for my mum ( actually she wasn't very happy about waking her up in the midle of her dreams ) but thanx god she arrived and too us home ...me ,Karolina and another girl who asked to be lifted.The worst and funny thing was that I had to go and say bye for everyone so left Kasia and went to te building where everyone was asking if Kasia is found and she asked us not to say she is so...we had to pretending we don't know where she is.But some people went us as a companion on the way to the car and me and Karolina thought:oh no...now our lie wil me out..so Karolina jumped out fast in front of the crowd to warn Kasia...and she hid in a car.As a bit earlier Kasia also asked us to bring her car keys from her boyfriend's back pocket...oh god it was terrible.But what people do for friends...They are always having row at the partiesas Tomek is very jeallous.One day she came to school with hurt eye and told us it was accident but yesterday she told us that Tomek hit her.He looses control when he drinks too much..We all told her she should leave him but she says : I love him,I can't ,I just feel misery that I fell in love with bad man.She shouldn't left the party ...it was harmfull for the girl who invited us....but thanx god she is all and healthy.

Hello!!!!It is just me...

Tday is Friday....I feel I dishearted my diary somehow .sorry for that but it is impossible to post everyday.Sometimes I feel as if I was here just standing like a monument and my life is passing me like poor doog chasing for something and escaping from something....butI am just looking at it.My mum is asking me .hey Zosia so what subjects are you taking for matura exam.-I don't know...and time is ticking away...oh God if only I had some more time.It is really hard for me.Today we had relligion lesson with priest and it was quite interesting
as was more like psychology than relligion.It was about parents and bringing up children.It is scientistically proved that our personallities bases on this what we had at home in childhood years.Lack of confidence,conformism,not being asertive.....actually when he was saying it I realised it is me..This is bitter truth..My family was never united to the end that's why I have problems with making friends and I am not good at displaying affection.Or maybe it is just thought that made a nest in my brain.I believe (what I have learnt from Louise L. Hay books)that there are some opinion we plant in our mind and are sure it is so but actualy it is sometimes just grain we planted and it is really hard to change it(to change our pattern of thinking) to dig this grain out...cause with time it has longer roots.It' s like with my sister.She doesn't want to eat cause she is sure she is fat although she is like a stick...but her thought has long roots and she is addicted to not eating...strange but truth...and it lasts for 3 years..it is hard to change her thinking pattern.The priest said today that the only advantage of such people who sit quietly in a corner is their sensitivity and ability to understand other people's emotional problems.sometimes I am sorry I can't fight for life...with my claws,scratching and pushing with my elbows...but I am not so .It is hard for me I don't won't to hurt anyone but what to do when people hurt me.someone told me once: to survive you must be cunnig as a fox and trust no one,be false....good people will fall and everyone would defeat you...you must fight as if you had to hunt some food for your young children waiting for food in a nest..be like a bird of prey''I can't..........
and hope life won't change me as this man.there are angels on the earth just,,,,,invisible
I prefer to be poor but good.Anyway I know what is the reason of my weakness and I believeI can change it.
Yesterday I was late for the lesson and had to sit in front of the history teacher.It was terrible.he was staring at me as if I was rabbit.He was as always telling stupid jokes about girls and how do they get old(men has the same so I don't understand what is funny about it)and always when anyone is sitting there there is high posibilty he or she will have his saliva on a face:)
Yesterday after school I went to the doctor as I have some pain in my stomach...but the queue was too long so I came back home.After 2 hours someone rang to my doors saying the bus driver has found my property in a bus and if I want to get it back I must be at the bus stop at 9 p.m.So went with my sister.I am glad there are honest people in this world.I wanted to thanx him somehow .giving a chocolate but there was no chocolate in a shop so bought some cakes and gave him.I have my wallet back...If I lost it I would be misery.There wasn't much money inside but all important documents such as identity proof,monthly bus ticket,keys!I am realy clumsy...!!!!!!!Today my friend (who has just made driving licence)lifted me to school.I was a bit afraid cause she was driving as if she was drunk...but eventualy we survived and I am still alive.On longer break we were doing some photos as my class mate brought camera to school.It was quite funny...we took pictures mainly of eyes...eyes are the speech of soul.I love looking into eyes..they tell me a lot about soeone.I know some people who never look into your eyes when you talk with them...for me it is false,not sincere.I avoid such creatures.During polish lesson we were again dealing with poems.What is it all about?On math few people failed in front of the blackboared but thanx god I survived(but not for long).This week I was on duty with Kasia(friend)so I was cleaning the blackboared and she was looking for chalk.Of course we had some changes.But Friday was last day of our pain.Tomorrow my friend Marta is organizing birthday party so we went after school to town with Karolina (as we collected money for gift together)and bought her photo albuma nd nice candle(aromathic with stick fruit).Here when you are 18 it is very important part of yur life..it is like a gate to adult life and maturity.But again I won't sleep long..hmmm What to do?Youth is time for fun...and schol too.yup I 'd better end my obligatory reading...

sunny monday

yup it is sunny..I woke up today with a thought : what a beautiful morning in my life......as it is always good to start with optimist thoughts.and then when I saw me in a mirror my soul screamed inside with sheer panic..oh god.I looked like a sheep.My curly hair beat the record.On the other hand I thought...whatever at least I look natural.so natural as I have just jumped out of bed lol.What to do I would wash my hair but I would be late then for a bus to school!?Who cares about hair ..but when I came out from the bathromm my nice brother saw me and said ...Hey sister you have quite good nest on your head..-thanx,no comments.I like you too dear brother.
Ok I came back to bathroom and made a ponytail...in the meantime quite long queue created in front of the doors and I felt as if they were gong to kill me with their eyes.Thanx god my mum was going to town ..she lifted me to school.Sometimes I wish to be bold.the shorter hair you have the less problematic it is...
Grandpa brought tomatoes and apples from the garden in the afternoon and I had this honour to place them on the window.in a sun just to let them be more red .I was putting them there and thinking how borng must it be to be a tomato (on the other hand each tomato has a companion of another sitting on him or next so at least it is not lonely) and that it is cheering that in this busy life we have time to be close to the nature ,when my grandpa eating dinner said: in 1939..the september was the same so warm...and then it became worse...and I said : but thanx God there is no World War now...-oh Zosia...there is already war.
Life is brutal why must it be so.Day by day brings unexpected news.Yesterday I heared in aradio that there are being taken some actions to provide peace between Pakistan and India (in this conflict about Kashmir) and that brought some happiness in my heart.Iam glad ,this gives me hope...cause I believe everythng is possible if only people have good will.It is so easy to destroy our home...The Earth....Hey I don't want to live on Mars....I have the fear of open areas.

Under the wings of night

Saturday....STOP wedding STOP party STOP.Early morning I went to the hairdresser with my sister as we made an appointment arranged the day before.Although this fact hairdresser's room was fulll and we had to wait.
My sister has short hair so she went home and left me there.I don't like hairdressers just as dentists.you sit on this armchair and nervous woman is damaging your hair so that you come back with less than you had before.anyway..I wanted to have curly hair for the party so asked to do so.She put some plastic rolls on my head and told me to sit under big hairdryer...it lasted some time so I took one newspaper and started to read it when one some men came.I thought the hairdresser simply forgot about me and my hair will be burnt in a minute.Believe me the temperature was high. I thought: Oh God I am like old lady sitting in a hairdresser just lacking someone to gossip with.I am getting older and older.oh no.When I came back I saw my sister a bit angry changing her new hairstyle...hm..she said she looked like in a helmet lol actually her style was good ...some people are more indecisive than I .how could it be?Maybe my family is sort of strange one but here wedding parties are rare thing...so I was happy to be invited.I was feeling a bit strange cause I didn't know there anybody apart from my friend and my sister who was also invited by my friend's brother.First couch took us to bride's home and then we went on foot to close church but what happened...we realised the church is not empty and had to wait for about half an hour in front of it..great organization I thought.really great.In the church my stomach was terribly rumbling and I was counting time to go out but that would be rude to go in the middle out.When we came out of the church as tradition says bride and her husband were thrown at with rice,sweets and coins but they weren't happy about it.actually better sweets and coins than eggs or tomatoes.The party started at 6p.m. As usual with lots of food..the sound of hissing pans and casserole and cutlery could be hear.I suppose everyone was so hungry as me cause they grabbed the spoons and happily started to swallow everything around (almost like ants).That's why I find wedding parties utterly strange.people come ,eat a lot and drink ....dance and take part in stupid competitions ( I also took part but someone forced me..life is brutal).What I hate more is the camera.I was sitting and checking sms box when my sister came up to me ans said : Zosia...you were in a camera for 5 mnutes oh no...sometimes even when people are alone their face makes difference faces ,expressions.I see this video casette in my imagination....that will be very funny.very! Don't worry then there is always a possibility to leave this town..lol(actually I can't see such possibility around....I am really clumsy but why always such situation happen to me).
The party ended at 6 a.m. and couch took us home.I tried to close my eyes during this one hour of ride but my head was bouncing like a ball hitting the window....I came back home but me and Beata forgotten to take keys so we had to ring and all house was awoken.never mind actually none was angry just asking how it was.I put hairpins aside and washed my face from the make up to let it breathe and fell asleep.But this idyll didn't last long as I had some obligations to school and terrible headache as always when I don't sleep at night.My mum made delicious apple pie as usually on sundays but I had stomach full and the only remedy I found in green tea that helps a lot.But...later....hmmm they left me some n a fridge:):):)

This place doesn't smell with stress..The whisper of passing days

Dear diary
I hope you missed me during these 2 days..:)..you know it is good to know that there is someone thinking of you.even if this someone doesn't exist...Sometimes I feel so lonely here and small as if I was snipped in a paper and sticked to the reality that doesn't fit to my nature.I feel like an alien talking in a different language and although this language is similar to the others I know from their eyes they actually don't understand me at all..I realised life is a bit difficult (a bit =very very very)but well I am not the only one who feels so although I noticed some of my friends have this confidence and high self_estimate I lack even if everyone knows they are not so intelligent as claimed...that may be a kind of remedy for us to adjust ourselves to the issues of complicated social relations.''Faith causes miracles to happen''and this is very useful here in this life.You probably wonder what place am I talking about in the title...yup you are right it is hung on my school's doors...lol isn't it ridiculous?If knowledge has any smell what would it be like? Actuallly my mind digest only this what is not covered with stress cause if not it is seen as a predator or bird of prey poisoning my brain and scratching with its claws for some short time and then saying bye 4ever.Such knowledge not leaving even a footprints in our conscience believe me is not very useful during exam.My school..hmmm...actually the smell of it is hard to describe.Something between human sweat,chewing gum and bathrooms smells.The worst situation is during winter...imagine we have apart bathrooms for boys and girls but usually boys come to our bathroom and everyone smokes cigarettes although it is formally forbidden.That's why in this rooms windows are always open to bring some fresh air.but in winter...well there were times that central heating was out of order and we had to stand one to another to make some warm.but even then windows in the bathroom were opened.I am real opponent of cigarettes and don't know how people can breathe in deliberately such substances like nicotime and others causing cancer.I feel sorry for smokers cause my uncle (who lives with us)smokes for 17 years now and everyday especially in the early morning) I can hear his terrible cough as if he was going to through his lungs out.On the other hand I am tolerant about it....and everyone has right to do what they want.
today and yesterday we had at school (apart from other subjects)History.Our history teacher is realy quaint (it is not me who should judge him but I am sure he wouldn't be mad about it lol).Hi's a bachelor so presumably this is the reason of his sheer hatred towards all girls.His lessons differ a bit from normal routine.he starts each lesson wth giving a topic and some points to the notebook and then pages from which we have to learn and then he talks about things totally not connected with the topic.On the next lesson he simply ask us about what we read and gives marks.So we are sitting like on a pills or laughing out loudly from his jokes although sometimes very stupid and utterly lacking fun.But today as it was the beginning we were laughing so that my stomach ached.Me and my friend that sits with me laugh very quietly but it is easy to suffocate so we always try to be serius but in this conditions it seems to be impossible and great art.
During polish lesson we were dealing with polish poet's poems and whole my class was as if we all forget the tongue in mouth.Then teacher asked me to read aloud one poem from the book(brought from our school library for everyone)and imagine my book didn't have one page this from which I had to read...well it seems to be like an excuse but it was true and I had to admit it.That was another cause of good mood of my class this day. Someone else read it and me and my friend were staring at each other asking: hey what is it all about?And then someone explained it aloud...Actually I would never guess it from this words.Iwrite poems by myself sometimes and these are the only poems I understand...but actually I claim everyone may nderstand it as he /she wants.because how can we be sure about it what did the writer had on his \her mind while writting it?